The peanut didn't kill us

After inadvertently ingesting a peanut-traced pie slice last night that I brought home, Matti got such a bad allergic reaction that he had to go to the emergency room.  He came home from the hospital this morning feeling fine.  He is thankfully unscathed from my stupid mistake yesterday.  He was not mad at me at all, thank goodness.  He has always been very careful about peanuts or beans/peas, and can usually smell if there's one of those ingredients in some prepared food, before even tasting it, but it took a bite for him to realize it last night.  I wish I had thought about it before I brought it home, because I could have realized that I didn't really know how it was prepared and it would be a bad idea for him to eat it.  You'd be shocked how much chocolate stuff has very trace amounts of nuts in it, for flavor. I'd never know because I've never had a food allergy so given that kind of thing a second thought, but the last year or so, I've tried to be conscious of the fact that a single peanut could kill my hubby!!!  :(  So stressful.

After Matti came home, I realized I had a coffee date with Erin, my California-girl-with-long-blonde-hair friend from California, who has two daughters, 6 & 8.  They were in school while we met and it was nice to talk with her. We decided to go to the spa and get facials in a couple weeks, and to do a table at a flea market together, so we could keep each other company while we run the table.  I've never been to that place that we will be doing it at, but she said it's very crowded so you can sell a lot of stuff.

On my way home from having coffee with Erin, I ran into my friend Mirka on the street, whom I was at Laura's cafe with last night, and I filled her in on the bad night and she had to run to do errands while her 3 month old continued to sleep in the baby carriage.  I was on my way home still, almost there, when I stopped at the flea market to talk to Maria, who runs the flea market by my house (where you don't have to stay at your table and we've sold stuff lots of times), who I might have mentioned to you guys I'm becoming more and more friendly with and I'm helping her plan a baby shower.  I suggested we have the baby shower at Laura's cafe, and she agreed!  Laura also thought it would be fine.  Anyway, Maria and I had lunch at a whole foods cafe in the building next to mine that I didn't even KNOW was there because it's *upstairs* from a bank/pharmacy.  We talked about life, family, etc...turns out we were born in the same MONTH even, and she's also married and contemplating family.

Anyhoo, I came home and Mirka came over to talk to my husband about starting her own theatre company--Matti knows lots about that kind of thing, as he has a biotech company and has lots of experience in applying for government money for ventures. I then convinced her to start buying adorable cloth diapers from American WAHMs (work at home moms) from the internet, and to get her friends with babies involved, so they could all share in shipping costs.  I love being the local trendsetter.  I also talked her  into coming to the baby shower Maria is having from the preg. lady I haven't met yet. Maria suspects that the more babies present, the more this party will succeed in it's efforts to cheer up the preg. lady (her husband is out of the country and she's new in town and doesn't know anyone and is about to give birth!  Maria knows the husband, not the wife, but she felt bad for her.)

So then Mirka and her son Onni (means JOY in Finnish-so there's ya'lls lesson for the day) left and Matti  and I went to see Matrix Revolution or whatever the new one is called and it was alright, but I didn't enjoy it so much because I kept so much fabric tightly balled up against Aleksi's ears to keep him from getting his hearing damaged from the loud sound from the movie.  He didn't seem to mind the noise, with all the buffering I had against his head, so I hope it wasn't damaging his hearing.  He was happy in his björn otherwise, and whenever he seemed hungry I just unsnapped the head support on one side and loosened the opposite strap behind my back to slide him down and diagonal to breastfeed.  I am so slick.  So Aleksi was happy and my husband, wearing his long black leather trench coat with the belted waist (can you say 'Neo Jacket'?) was happy, and I thought it was an ok movie, I guess.

Then we came home, and I have been breastfeeding ever since!  Man Aleksi marathon cluster feeds at night.  During the day he sleeps a lot and eats occasionally but alllll evening he eats, and then by midnight it's over and he sleeps until morning.  It works for us.  :D

I love the idea of doing a story time at the library (I believe they have this), but like all cool family things here in Finland, it would be in Finnish.  :(  I know that Aleksi will speak Finnish, so I have to learn that darned language SOON so I can go ahead and start going to fun events and group meetings for mommies around here.  I'm understanding more and more, and can really get by pretty OK when I'm out and about at the store or whatever, but when the natives are talking rapidly with each other in conversation, I'm LOST.

Right now we are so lucky with Matti's work situation.  He has  flexibility with his full time job that he can take on other projects, so at any one time he has around  4 jobs, and he could turn some down, but we are just getting our start and feel like we'd like SOME savings and even a home by the time we're 30.  So he is getting cracking on that front, and I am bearing the brunt of the physical effort of bringing babies into our family.   He keeps asking me every day if he has too much on his plate and if he should turn certain projects down that he has little obligation to work on, but I tell him to go for it, because I really don't get lonely with Aleksi here with me, and all the friends I've made around town.

It's just gray and dim allll the time here and it's not going to brighten up until we get some good snow, and even then the clouds might not clear much at all until late January.  Ugh.... we're not sure where we are going to 'get away' to this winter (most Finns escape for a few weeks and my husband usually gets out of Finland for around 6 weeks every winter, during the very darkest weeks around the winter solstice), but I'm rooting for Hawaii so I can reconnect with my little sister. 

However, there's another couple we know that is going to Thailand, and that would be SO much cheaper to fly there, and tons cheaper to get lodging.  I think going to Hawaii would take at least 2000 euros/dollars (same diff) for plane tickets, plus another 100 per day while we're there for food and lodging.  Yikes, if we want a long trip.  But going to Thailand would involve around 700 euros/dollars to get there (for all of us!), plus maybe 20 dollars a day for lodging and food.  The exchange rate is just THAT good. I spent 2 weeks there in January 2001, January--the shopping is insanely good--I had like 7 suits and 2 chinese-silk dresses with embroidery custom tailor made (4 separate fittings!!*) and they were like 40 or 50 dollars per dress or suit outfit (coat, pants, sheath dress).  Who knew I would need neither silk dresses or suits for my life here in Finland as a stay at home mom????   But I enjoyed them for a couple of years before they got stored in my friend's basement in Boston, like all 35 of my suits.  I need to stop there and pick 'em up, at some point soon--I don't want them to rot down there´, in a box like that.  They were expensive!  I am such a clothes horse, in case you couldn't tell.

Man I am rambling BAD today.  I think it's because I'm thinking a mile a minute and I type insanely fast so everything just gets typed before I even think about editing it or what I should try to say next.  *shrug*  That's just the mile-a-minute-gal I am.

Anyway.....  I'm going to stop for a breath and think about what to say next. 

I am totally procrastinating getting back into a gym routine, but you are making me feel anxious to start up again!  We have fun classes here, like Body Pump, which has everyone lift weights together to music, with an instructor, and the hour just flies by.  It's toning but mostly aerobic, because no one is really lifting too much heavy stuff.  I love those squats with the barbell full of weights on my shoulders, and feeling my ass burn!!  but I don't need the gym for that, I have my son strapped to my chest and every time I pick something off the floor, I feel the burn.  :)

I'm trying to sell all our excess crap at the flea market, but I haven't gotten the table together yet.  Now that I'm friends with the woman who runs the flea market business maybe she'll give me a special deal on the fee for having a table there!  

I can only hope!   (Laura gives me free food, so maybe Maria will give me a free table!)

The only thrilling happenings that has been going on in my house since yesterday has been the new diapers that arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon.  I am on Cloud 9 about them.  Thank goodness they got here because they're the All-In-One (AIO) kind, so even Matti can figure out how to place the baby on top of one and snap up the sides, -as easy as a disposable!---let's hope now he will actually change a diaper or two in his life.  :)

I cleaned the bathroom BIG time yesterday, scrubbed the shower room from corner to corner too.  We didn't have any of the proper products for bathroom/shower cleaning until I went to the store last night to get some, while Matti was at the gym, and Aleksi wanted to breastfeed ALLLLL evening, while I was trying to do laundry, clean the shower room, shop, and start dinner.  You shoulda seen me holding on to him with one arm, him breastfeeding, and rubbing a rag on the floor in the shower room to clean the floor with my foot.  I'm a multitasking diva.  I swear Matti doesn't appreciate how hard it is to do stuff with a feed-around-the-clock baby!  Actually, that's a lie--he doesn't feed around the clock, only during my waking hours.  How nice of him !  He really is an angel baby.  But when I'm awake, he prefers to eat all afternoon and evening, and we snuggle up and sleep for around 11 or 12 hours every night.  I love it.  Motherhood is lovely.  If I had another baby like this,  I think I could handle a toddler plus a baby, in a year and a half or so.

Anyway, today I vacuumed and dusted and organized the whole place and then went grocery shopping, with Aleksi in his björn.  I ended up wishing for the carriage since I bought so much that I wished I could put the groceries in the rack underneath rather than breaking my arms carrying them!  But it's close by so no long walk with 'em.  The house looks great, I'm about finished with my Barbara Kingsolver novel, and the baby is happy.  I feel on top of my game.  :)

Nov 10, 2003
So..... I am so proud of myself--Even though I snoozed with my little man until after 11 this morning, that doesn't take into account that I got up at 8 and made my husband a full scale breakfast for the two of us, and when I did get up and get Aleksi and myself a shower, I cleaned the apartment, did a couple loads of laundry, and went out to get some groceries and return a library book (and get a little exercise). Now I'm home again, with a clean house, clean baby, full refrigerator full of food, and no more headache! (the sunny day we enjoyed on Saturday and then the clouds taking over again on Sunday resulted in air pressure change that gave me an excruciating headache last night)

Life is good.... AND I made a friend. I was walking to the bus stop after I picked up some heavy groceries, and there was a young woman smiling at me with her baby carriage, and we started chatting in English (she knew some, thank goodness) but when I asked her where she was from and she said 'Iran', I immediately switched over and got to practice my Farsi (the Persian language that is spoken in Iran)! I don't know if I've mentioned that my dad is from Iran and I grew up bilingual, but I did, and she was SHOCKED that I knew her native tongue (well I don't speak so great anymore, but enough). We exchanged numbers and I'm psyched I have someone to practice Farsi with, and her little boy was darling--his name was Daniel, same as my 11 year old half-brother in Hawaii. He looked Iranian all the way, even though his father is Finnish, just like Aleksi.

Nov 11, 2003

Matti and Aleksi and I have just been hanging around the living room, listening to good music, drinking yummy tea (well ok that's just me) and reading (well Aleksi can't grasp that skill just YET but check back with me in a month ;) )  It's been a nice way to ignore how dark it is outside.  Surprisingly, the weather is really affecting my husband who feels an energy drain from the lack of sun, but as for me, I don't hardly notice how short the days are getting and keep the apartment super bright to fight any winter blahs.  Aleksi just keeps me giggling so much, how could I get down?

I've had to stay at home all day every day this week hoping that some packages (I can't stop shopping darnit!) I'm expecting will arrive, but of course none have.  I'm trying to not eat out of boredom, in hopes that my pre-preg jeans will get dusted off and worn again in the next few months.  So I keep a huge stash of fruit, veggies, and cottage cheese/yogurt on hand so that if the impulse strikes to munch,  I grab a carrot and a little tiny package of cottage cheese to munch on, or a fresh, crisp apple.  Sometimes it works.  Most of the time, I just think about how much yummier the chocolate ice cream in the freezer is while I eat every last bit of the apple--wait five good minutes and say to myself, 'Darn it looks like I'm still validly hungry after eating the healthy food choice, so I must go and eat the ice cream now.'  :)

Nov 13, 2003

Seems like someone asked me what time it's getting dark around here.  sigh -about 4:30.  And the days are getting quite shorter everyday for the next month or so.  I recommend 'Bringing up Ben and Birdy' (it's on Parentcenter.com and Babycenter.com) to read--I peed in my pants reading that and it's ALL I did a couple days ago--it's really addicting.  I remember one little description/comparison she made between her new baby trying to get latched onto her breast for feeding (shaking his head side to side, like for "no", kind of frantically with mouth open and clamping onto the breast) and a lion trying to break the neck of a gazelle after catching one.  I about died with that one, probably because the most frequent event in my world right now is just that exact scenario, but really I have been subconsciously amused by those baby rooting reflexes and trying to figure out what it reminded me of, and when I read that it was like, 'BAM!' that's it!  And I died laughing.  Also when she described having house guests and preparing an immaculately clean bed for them, while her own bedding was constantly soaked in bodily fluids with every possible human orifice accounted for, I also laughed my butt off.  That's our family bed!  Doesn't matter how often I wash the sheets and set extra baby blankets in the 'hot zones' where most of the excess breastmilk and occasional diaper leakage lands, our bed remains hygenic for human exposure for about five minutes lately.  And if I was totally vigilant, I'd change my nursing bra and pads about every hour, to stay clean and dry.  As it is, I do get a fresh bra every morning and wash my sleep bra every 2 days.  I ordered a couple more nursing bras so I could have a fresh bra every night for bed (I only have one comfy sleep bra right now) and another daytime support nursing bra, just so I can go several days between doing a delicate cycle.

Which reminds me, what is UP with how much joy I have been getting from staying inside alone all day, every day this week, (with Aleksi of course)

doing nothing more industrious than household laundry, and I'm a grinning Cheshire cat over it??  What happened to my more exciting self that seems to have hightailed it out of Finland back to Hawaii or at least as far as downtown Boston, where I would go to the trendiest, fanciest restaurants with friends and clients, consider boutique lingerie at 50 dollars per bra, and crinkle up my nose if I got a dab of say, orange juice, on the corner of a sheet on my bed, and wash every bit of bedding immediately. 

Now I wake up swimming in a pond of my own breastmilk and frugally compare prices of nursing bras online (refusing to pay in-store-prices-here-in-Finland) and find myself eating toast and eggs for breakfast AND dinner on the same day sometimes? 

Who knows?  But I've never been happier and I look like a kid on Christmas morning, grinnin' like a fool, while I stuff wet clothes into our electric clothes dryer....  Sigh…it's like being homecoming queen!

Back to Top

Mundane flaws, Nov 14, 2003

Okay, I have to get this off my chest. My husband is a handsome, strapping young man, well groomed and polite. But there's a glaring flaw if you spend enough time with him (like, a year)-he picks his nose. Digs around, comes up with some prize, looks at it on the tip of his finger, then flicks it in no particular direction. The first few times I saw him do this I felt horribly embarrassed that I had seen my prince charming do something that I feel most third graders know is kind of taboo, with seemingly little shame involved. Then it just got under my skin-BAD. I was pregnant, and seeing him do that, while in the car, for instance, where I felt trapped and doomed to witness it, just made my blood boil for some reason-I've never had a 'pet peeve' before this but now I know what the term really means. It's like something going on that is the equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard and you start panting like a tiger with fuming emotion swirling around inside of you to where it's all you can do to keep yourself from screaming out at the top of your lungs, 'STOP DOING THAT!!!' I tried those really fast audible angry exhales while shifting in my seat to show irritation, hoping that without speaking a word he would get the picture that I find it totally gross and he would stop without us ever having to discuss such an unsavory topic. But he was oblivious and kept digging around his nose. Now this doesn't happen all the time, I don't want to make it sound like my husband has a hard time getting things done in life, what with all the nose picking, but still-once a month of my noticing this little scene was WAY more than I could handle…and still is. I finally exploded during my last weeks of pregnancy while we were watching a movie snuggled on the couch together and demanded, 'Could you please stop doing that in front of me??' in a kind of 'I've-had-it-and-am-totally-exhasperated-so-just-agree-with-me-and-we'll-all-have-a-chance-at-getting-out-of-this-conversation-alive' type of voice. He just looked at me as if I had done something awful and he couldn't believe my nerve and said, 'No!' Well that took me off guard. I was so worried about him feeling embarrassed at my bringing him up I never considered the tables would turn so quickly and he would actually find me at fault for asking him to stop what was apparently his god-given-nose-picking rights. I momentarily felt guilty, as if I had just asked him to stop breathing. Then I remembered how much it had been eating at me for six months, and I calmly said, 'Well it's really distracting and irritating for me, blah blah blah' (can't remember exactly how this conversation went, months later). I do remember that we never reached an amicable conclusion about the nose picking, and every couple of months at least, I'll see him at it and my temperature shoots up and my heart starts pounding with wrath. I wish I could just leave the room and do some sort of yoga meditation trick to get over it, but I find myself frozen and immobilized by my sheer irritation and I want to go over and grab his hand away and ask him if he's ever seen any adult do that in public and did he find it particularly charming???? I know "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" surely includes disgusting bodily habits, but man, does it HAVE to? My college boyfriend used to get so irritated when I would pick at the skin around my cuticles-I've been doing that disgusting habit since my mom moved me from Hawaii and I found it deeply relieving to let the stress out that way-I pick at the dry, thick skin around the nail until I can slowly peel pieces off, sometimes even causing it to bleed (but not too often). I still to this day have little places around my fingernails healing from recent attacks by my digging fingernails. Now I don't know for sure if it's a stress thing or just a total long term habit because I don't necessarily feel like it's something I do for stress relief, I just like the sensation of getting rid of dry, rough, or already-peeling skin around my nails (using a fingernail clipper works great, and leads to less bleeding but I'm lazy sometimes about getting up and getting one). I am also nuts about giving myself and others manicures and pedicures, so you'd think I'd shudder to do that to my hands, know it ends up making the area so unattractive.

Anyway, enough about disgusting habits. Today has been a lovely indoors type of day, the only rhythm or schedule Aleksi and I have been following has been to change his diaper every 60-90 minutes, which kind of breaks the day up into nice little pieces. Of course we went two hours between 8 and 10 this morning, since we were sleeping. J I love how Aleksi finds that sleeping from 10pm to 10am is totally acceptable, with maybe a couple of short snacks lazily thrown in there to keep him assured of constant boobify-ability (we say I 'boobify' him when I breastfeed him-doesn't everyone? ;) ). I like to sleep a lot, so it works out nicely. I don't know how I would handle it if I tried to put him in another room, in a crib, and would have to actually get my head off the pillow when he stirred and needed a little 30 second bout of active comforting. I am not good when drowsy. I don't even actually trust myself to hold him until I've kind of come out of my fog, because I am clumsy until I get fully awake, and my grip isn't so tight. Yet, when we sleep tummy-to-tummy I never feel like I am at the slightest risk of rolling on him or anything-I never move a cm from the position we fall asleep in. I think it's a mommy-instinct to keep her baby safe even while she's asleep.

I've found that Aleksi likes my taste in music. Earlier we were jammin' to the Indigo Girls and just a few minutes ago I danced him around the room to old Police songs (the 'Every Breath You Take' album) and he seemed pretty thrilled with our 'doo doo doo daa daa daa' dancin'. (you know the song right?) I find myself cherishing every moment with him being this small and immobile, just carrying him around the house in the björn and tenderly holding him close and sniffing his head. I feel like any day now he's just going to whoooosh-grow-up-on-me and I won't be able to keep him still for long enough to get a really good snuggle in. So I snuggle the heck out of him now and am really, really happy about it. I thought that moms had to go through the process once to realize how quickly babies grow up and to really enjoy the infancy stage, but I think I am doing a pretty good job of appreciating that reality already, even though I'm a new mom. I think it was in 'The Poisonwood Bible' by Barbara Kingsolver that she described mothering a first child as kind of being thrilled about each maturing stage and pushing them forward into the world with an eagerness about getting them up-and-out into the world, whereas with your last born, you hang on tight to every moment of babyhood and then childhood and kind of wistfully hate to see them grow up. But for me, I am kind of proud of myself for grasping how sweet it is to have this little baby next to me, even if I have 9 more after him, because one day Aleksi will be a grown man, looking down on me and I will remember how wonderful his head smelled when sleeping against my chest and wish I could just have him safe and close to mama again for a little while.

I'm such a fool, sitting at home every day this week in hopes that the delivery man will come. I forgot, when shopping up a storm on ebay, that I would have to BE HERE, waiting at home, for packages to arrive-ugh. I just want to go to the store, or for a walk, or to Laura's café, or something for a little while, but I have about 5 packages, at least, that I am waiting for that could very well arrive today, so I sit at home and wait. It's probably best that I have stayed in this week because all week I've sort of felt like there was some kind of bug or virus or something stalking me. After 10pm I'll get a scratch in my throat and think, 'Uh-oh' and run to the kitchen, eat an orange or chop up a couple cloves of garlic into tiny little juicy fragments and swallow them with a glass of water. Or I'll stay indoors with socks on, drinking warm tea (so as not to get a chill) plus about a gallon of water over the course of an evening so I'm constantly running to the bathroom to pee. So far these little immune-system-boosting-tricks have kept the bug at bay and I haven't gotten sick. But today, lest get cocky, I again felt a little twinge in my throat, so I've been downing more garlic fragments a-la-Angelica-the-apothecary (I feel like such a clever little mad scientist in the kitchen with my chopping block and garlic). I feel like this bug is a crafty predator that is caging around my apartment just around the corner in the next room ready to leap out and strike me down. But so far I'm winning this battle…yay!

Oh, I had my post partum check up a couple weeks ago and I must say I'm not impressed. My counseling on contraception was this: Do you know you can get pregnant? Yes. Have you thought about contraception? Yes, but I'm uncertain of what to use because I'm not interested in hormones and I want something easily reversible in the short term (since we don't know when exactly we'll try to conceive again). Yes. -end of conversation, proceed to vaginal exam portion of this fun-filled morning- Of course, so far contraception hasn't been needed in my marriage, but I assume at some point again it will be, but I'm totally lost on options and need advice or at least stories of others' experiences. I don't want hormones, I want easily reversible, and the thought of an IUD creeps me out entirely. I guess I'll figure something out when the need arises….

Back to index   NEXT